Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Workin' it 9 to 5, Part II:
My messy desk


Above me, wind does its best
to blow leaves off
the aspen tree a month too soon.
No use wind. All you succeed
in doing is making music, the noise
of failure growing beautiful.

- Bill Holm, "August in Waterton, Alberta"

The client that I fired came over yesterday to pick up the materials I bought that she'd still like to use. It's nice to have closure to that project finally.

After I let her wedding go, I felt a profound sense of loss. Loss for all the time spent on a project that I wouldn't be seeing to fruition, and for all the time spent on that project that could've been spent in the studio, or writing, or on any other creative project significantly less stressful and infinitely more satisfying. Hundreds of hours, amounting to a lesson learned. And though I told myself that knowing when to quit is a valuable skill, I still found myself angry and frustrated in front of the paint cans at Home Depot and on the phone to my friend Scott (several times). Thanks, Rama and Scott, for being there.

I suppose there was something in me, that I've lived with for so long I couldn't have known I learned it somewhere, that equated giving up or letting go to failure. And who knows? Maybe that's true. And yet now, now that it's over and all the loose ends are tied up, I feel relieved and free. And at peace.

How things change.

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